At a time when most of the world is in an uproar, what with wars, and threats of war, economic uncertainty, and a polarized electorate, I thought – Screw it!  It’s the August silly season, so why not concentrate this week on a lighter subject?   Strangely enough, the lighter subject turns out to be the passing of a man that I’m sure not many of you have ever heard of – Tom Lehrer.

Thomas Andrew Lehrer was an American musician, mathematician, satirist, songwriter/singer.  Born in New York City in 1928, he died in July at age 97.  He was perhaps best known as the resident songwriter on the 1960’s TV show, That Was The Week That Was.  He was a prolific songwriter, crafting tunes and parodies based on familiar melodies.  And, a man after my own heart, Tom Lehrer had a satiric and acerbic wit that spared no one.  No politician, religion, or interest group could escape his barbs, no matter how powerful.  He truly was an equal opportunity offender.

Lehrer paid a price for his honesty.  Most of his songs were so controversial (remember we’re talking about the 1950’s and 1960’s, not the “anything goes” insane asylum in which we dwell), that no radio station would play them.  Tom Lehrer didn’t care.  He was more interested in turning a phrase than in turning a profit.  Lehrer said, jokingly, of his musical career, “If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while.”

Despite that, his albums and his live performances all over the world turned him into a cult figure.  He was influential.  Composer Randy Newman said of Lehrer, “He’s one of the great American songwriters without a doubt, right up there with everybody, the top guys.  Other artists who cite Lehrer as an influence include “Weird Al” Yankovic, Donald Fagen of Steely Dan, and political satirist Mark Russell.  And you an add me to that list.  Every time I compose a tune or a rhyme on these pages, Tom Lehrer is sitting at my side.

Tom Lehrer was perhaps the prototypical American.  Reminiscent  of Fiorello LaGuardia, whose mother was Jewish, his father an Italian Catholic, and he himself Protestant, Lehrer and his family were ethnically Jewish but loosely practiced Christianity, attending Sunday school and celebrating Christmas.  He joked that his ties to Judaism were “more to do with the delicatessen than the synagogue, and ‘God’ was primarily an expletive.”

A child prodigy, Lehrer attended the Horace Mann School in the Bronx.  A piano teacher taught him Broadway show tunes.  He also attended Camp Androscoggin, both as a camper and a counselor, where Lehrer was a counselor to Stephen Sondheim.

Lehrer skipped two grades in school, and entered Harvard College
at age 15.  He graduated from Harvard with a Bachelor of Arts in mathematics, magna cum laude in 1946, and received his MA degree the next year.  Until 2001, he taught mathematics and other classes at MIT, Harvard, Wellesley, and the University of California, Santa Cruz.  He taught an introductory mathematics course titled “The Nature of Mathematics” to liberal arts majors, which he labelled,”Math for Tenors.”  Through it all, he is best remembered for his songs.

Tom Lehrer composed dozens of them.   This one is perhaps his most famous – THE ELEMENTS

There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.
There’s yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.
There’s holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium.
And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.
There’s sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium,
And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium,
And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.
These are the only ones o_f which the news has come to Ha’vard,
And there may be many others but they haven’t been discavard.

Here are some snippets of other favorites.

NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK

Oh, the white folks hate the black folks,
And the black folks hate the white folks.
To hate all but the right folks
Is an old established rule.
But during National Brotherhood Week,
National Brotherhood Week,
Lena Home and Sheriff Clarke are dancing cheek to cheek.
It’s fun to eulogize ·
The people you despise,
As long as you don’t let ’em in your school

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics,
And the Catholics hate the Protestants,
And the Hindus hate the Moslems,
And everybody hates the Jews.
But during National Brotherhood Week,
National Brotherhood Week,
It’s National Everyone-smile-at-one-another-hood Week.
Be nice to people who
Are inferior to you.
It’s only for a week, so have no fear.
Be grateful that it doesn’t last all year!

THE VATICAN RAG

First you get down on your knees
Fiddle with your rosaries
Bow your head with great respect
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Do whatever steps you want if
You have cleared them with the pontiff
Everybody say his own
Kyrie eleison
Doin’ the Vatican Rag.

Get in line in that processional
Step into that small confessional
There the guy who’s got religion’ll
Tell you if your sin’s original.
If it is, try playin’ it safer
Drink the wine and chew the wafer
Two, four, six, eight
Time to transubstantiate.

WHO’S NEXT?

First we got the bomb and that was good,
‘Cause we love peace and motherhood.
Then Russia got the bomb, but that’s O.K.,
‘Cause the balance of power’s maintained that way!
Who’s next?
France got the bomb, but don’t you grieve,
‘Cause they’re on our side (I believe).
China got the bomb, but have no fears;
They can’t wipe us out for at least five years!
Who’s next?
Japan will have it own device,
Transistorized at half the price.(*)
South Africa wants two, that’s right:
One for the black and one for the white!
Who’s next?
Egypt’s gonna get one, too,
Just to use on you know who.
So Israel’s getting tense,
Wants one in self defense.
“The Lord’s our shepherd,” says the psalm,
But just in case — we better get a bomb!
Who’s next?

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Relations, sparing no expense, ‘II
Send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen and pencil.
(“Just the thing I need! How nice!”)
It doesn’t matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heartfelt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it.
What’s important is the price.
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest you merry, merchants,
May you make the Yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy!

SEND THE MARINES

When someone makes a move
Of which we don’t approve,
Who is it that always intervenes?
U.N. and O.A.S.,
They have their place, I guess,
But first-
Send the Marines!
We’ll send them all we’ve got,                                                                   John Wayne and Randolph Scott;
Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
To the shores of Tripoli,
But not to Mississippoli,
What do we do?
We send the Marines!

I think you get the picture.  If you like Lehrer’s work,  see  tomlehrersongs.com.  In any case, Rest In Peace Tom Lehrer.  Your like will not be seen again.