As Summer turns to Fall, the continuing saga of Kilmar Abrego Garcia marches on.  Let’s recap.  We’ll begin at the beginning.  Corrupt Demented Imbecile Joe Biden was elected President.  We now know (I always knew) that Biden was an empty shell, who was put in place as a figurehead who could pretend to lead while nameless, faceless Socialist destroyers erased our borders to permit millions of illegal aliens to pour into the country.

With no one looking, the stage was set for an unprecedented invasion of America.  Illegals from more than 180 countries (I didn’t know there were that many) marched across our borders to the tune of tens of thousands a day.  There was no vetting.  No names were taken.  There was no consideration of communicable diseases.  And the invaders were aided and abetted by Biden Administration and by Democrat locales, that provided free phones, clothing, transportation and luxury accommodations.

Among the throngs of wretched refuse Biden welcomed in were hundreds of thousands of alien criminals.  Some came of their own accord.  Some were infiltrated into the country from places like China and the Middle East as agents in place to wreak havoc when the time comes.  Others were languishing in foreign prisons and other institutions, until their governments realized they could export their problems to Uncle Sucker.

The result was that foreign criminal gangs set up shop in America, courtesy of Sleepy Joe and his craven cohorts.  One of their number was the now famous, or infamous, Kilmar Abrego Garcia.  He’s from El Salvador, the nation whose most notable accomplishment is that it’s the birthplace of the murderous gang Mara Salvatrucha, or MS-13.

If America had a responsible government from 2021 to 2025, someone would have reasoned that, given the facts that MS-13 leaves scores of dismembered bodies everywhere it exists, and that President Trump arrested and prosecuted so many MS-13 members, anyone entering the country from El Salvador warranted enhanced scrutiny.  Only there was no scrutiny of any kind, the scrutiny having given way to the screwing of the American citizen.

Illegally enter Kilmar Abrego Garcia, who sneaked in and settled in Maryland.  No, he’s not a Maryland dad.  He’s an illegal alien who knocked up his girlfriend in Maryland.  The result was their marriage, followed by two separate domestic violence restraining orders.

In 2019, he was arrested in Maryland in the company of known MS-13 gang members.  Gang members only hang out with other gang members.  Two immigration courts found cause to conclude he was in MS-13, and subject to deportation.  Having your two days in court is what we call due process.  So whenever you hear some idiot complain about Kilmar’s due process, remind them he already had his.

And then he had more due process.  Kilmar convinced a federal judge he was at risk from rival gangs in El Salvador, and the court ruled he couldn’t be deported to that country.  After that ruling, the Maryland dad came to the attention of law enforcement when he was stopped by a Tennessee patrolman while in the act of trafficking 8 other illegal aliens from Texas to Maryland, so they could “work.”

The Tennessee cops notified ICE, but it was 2022, and the Biden Administration couldn’t be bothered with illegal alien human trafficking, so they just let him go.  And he went about his dirty business until March of this year, when he got swept up with hundreds of other criminal aliens, and got his ass shipped to El Salvador.  When the morons squeal about Kilmar being “illegally deported,” the problem wasn’t the fact that he was deported, just the place to which he was sent.

No matter.  Kilmar became the poster boy for the “Trump is a dictator” crowd.  So intent on opposing anything Trump, the Left adopted the MS-13 gang member, human trafficking, wife beating, Maryland dad as one of their own.  Maryland Senator Van Hollen even traveled to El Salvador to share a drink with him.  They demanded his return.  The courts obliged them.

Trump brought him back, and charged him with human trafficking.  The federal court, the same institution that incarcerated grandmothers for years without bail for the heinous offense of trespassing on January 6th, released the illegal alien, abusive gang member pending trial.

Then the government decided to deport Kilmar, but to where?  A court already had said he couldn’t be sent to El Salvador, where he belongs.  Kilmar didn’t stop there.  Having the meddling federal judge in his pocket, Kilmar provided a list of 22 different countries to which he said he couldn’t be sent to for fear of persecution: El Salvador, Uganda, Mexico, Belize, Costa Rica, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, Panama, Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Chile, Colombia, Ecuador, Paraguay, Peru, Uruguay, Venezuela, Cuba, Dominican Republic and Haiti.

Why do I say “meddling federal judge?”   Although they believe they are kings, the judge’s role has limits.  Once a court has decided that Kilmar may be deported, and that is not in dispute here, it’s really none of the judiciary’s business where the executive, in this case ICE, decides he is to go.  When a court sentences a defendant to prison, the defendant is committed to the custody of the Bureau of Prisons.  The judge may recommend, but the executive picks the destination.

More importantly, I’m disgusted that the federal courts have become the political accomplices of Left wing hacks whose only recognizable policy is opposition to President Trump.  They’re using Kilmar for their purposes, and Kilmar is exploiting the system to keep his crooked ass among us.  How do I know this?  From 45 years of experience dealing with judges.  If these federal judges weren’t acting as political partisans, they never would put up with such nonsense as Kilmar’s No Go List.  They sure wouldn’t take it from any domestic litigant.  The judges have become the willing accomplices of a lying, cheating, wife beating, illegal alien criminal, and it makes me sick.

But the game goes on, and the Trump Administration has just upped the ante.  Can’t go to those other 22 countries, huh Kilmar?  Okay, we’re sending you to – wait for it – Eswatini.  Eswa -what?  What’s an Eswatini?  Not a cocktail.  It’s a small nation in Southern Africa, that used to be called Swaziland.  Genius.  How can Kilmar be threatened by people from a place that he’s not only never been to, but that nobody has ever heard of?

Yes, it’s another FAFO moment, and one I’m sure some court will find some reason to try to frustrate.  In a sane world, society would tell Kilmar, “Adios, it’s finis, you’re off to Eswatini.”  Then, when Senator Van Hollen, goes to visit him, he’ll need a dengue fever vaccination before the two of them get together for a drink.

Maybe they can order what I’m calling the Kilmar Eswatini.  Here’s the recipe:  Fill a cocktail shaker with ICE.  Sneak in 3 parts Salvadoran rum, one part sour grape juice, a dash of banana oil, and a pinch of assault.  With a wooden muddler, stir the pot until the ICE goes away and the mixture is thoroughly muddled.  Pour into a rose colored glass, sprinkle with nuts, and garnish with a miniature bloody machete.  Keep drinking these till you actually believe Kilmar’s bullshit story.  Then you’re qualified to be a federal judge.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus warned the multitude to “Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.”  This advice should be given to the rogue judges who are abusing their authority to prevent the President of the United States from implementing the policies that the voters reelected him to carry out.

The sermon was aimed at neighbor judging neighbor.  But what of the group who are chosen to be judges?  Appointed for life, who judges them when they are seriously in need of judging?

Justice Amy Coney Barrett recently issued her own warning to judges who view themselves as dictators rather than the referees that the Constitution intended them to be.  Justice Barrett counseled,  “We judges don’t dispense justice solely as we see it; instead, we’re constrained by law adopted through the democratic process.”  Barrett continued, “On the bench, we must suppress our individual beliefs in deference to those that have prevailed in the enacted law.  Our job is to protect the choices that citizens have made, even when we disagree with them…”  “[Judges] They are referees, not kings, because they decide whether people have played by the rules rather than what the rules should be.”

Justice Barrett gave a personal example.  She stated that, personally she opposes he death penalty, but that she cannot allow her personal beliefs to affect her judgment.  “The people who adopted the Constitution didn’t share my view of the death penalty, and neither do all my fellow citizens today.”  “If I distort the law to make it difficult for them to impose the death penalty, I interfere with the voters’ right to self-government.”  Amen.  It’s good to see that, every once in a while, a high-ranking government official recognizes the voters’ right to self-government.

And Justice Barrett has practiced what she’s preached.  A few months ago, in her majority opinion in the case that struck down the improper nationwide injunction in the case challenging President Trump’s birthright citizenship executive order, she made a harsh rebuke of Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson’s dissent.

“We will not dwell on Justice Jackson’s argument, which is at odds with more than two centuries’ worth of precedent, not to mention the Constitution itself. We observe only this: Justice Jackson decries an imperial Executive while embracing an imperial Judiciary.”  Justice Barrett suggested that Justice Jackson should heed her own admonition, “Everyone from the President on down is bound by the law.  That goes for judges too.”

Although, in June, the Supreme Court warned District Judges against taking the law into their own hands, the rogue judges have not exhibited contrition, as they continue to try to make the law, or be the law, rather than simply interpret the law, which was the role intended for them by the Constitution.

In 1787 and 1788, as the States were considering the adoption of the Constitution, Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay, writing under the pseudonym “Publius,” published 85 articles to promote its ratification.  In Federalist No. 78, Alexander Hamilton argued that the federal judiciary would be the “least dangerous” branch of government, lacking the power of the sword or the purse, but possessing the vital power of judicial review to interpret the Constitution and safeguard individual rights by checking legislative acts.”  He advocated for judicial independence through lifetime appointments to ensure judges could make rulings free from political pressure and uphold the rule of law.

The Founders conceived the federal government as a government of delegated powers, which was to exercise only those functions specifically granted to it by the Constitution, all non-delegated powers to be left to the States or to the people.  Sadly, as the other two branches of the federal government have ballooned out of proportion, the judiciary has experienced commensurate delusions of omnipotence.  Sadder yet, the current tyranny of the judges is all the more obnoxious because it is wholly political.

I’ll explain.  Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution spells out what functions the Congress may perform.  Coin money, establish a Post Office, promote commerce, etc.  It’s not supposed to intrude on non-delegated functions, like education, and local safety regulations.  But the federal government couldn’t control itself.  It branched out into non-delegated functions, often by tying State compliance to federal funding.

Ever wonder how or why all 50 States enacted the 55 MPH speed limit in the 1970’s?  Think it was due to an energy crisis or to protect the environment?  Think again.  After Jimmy Carter screwed up the oil industry with equally unconstitutional energy regulations, the States were told, either adopt 55 MPH or lose federal highway money.  And since federally financed boondoggle highway projects are a great way for State politicians to wring “campaign contributions” from wealthy road contractors, the States readily complied.  The federal carrot and stick method of using federal funds to enforce compliance is a time-honored tradition.

Using money to extort the States like mobsters is bad enough, but the recent judicial tyranny is purely political.  It has but one aim, to stop President Trump from carrying out the will of the voters who elected him.  As noted above, Presidents have used the granting or withholding of federal money as a tool for generations, and, until recently, judges have turned a blind eye to the practice, correctly concluding that they had no authority to interfere in the operations of the Executive.

That changed when Trump became the Executive.  This week, a rogue Obama judge ruled that Trump can’t withhold funding for Harvard University unless it addresses its antisemitism problem.  According to the judge, Trump’s action violates the right to free speech.  The judge misses the point.  Harvard can do or say whatever it pleases.  It just can’t rely on the federal government to fund its pleasure.  They have the right to free speech, but no right to government money.  The same principle applies to the defunding of PBS and NPR.

And the judicial tyranny goes beyond the funding cases.  Rogue judges are holding up or forbidding lawful deportations of illegal aliens, most of them criminals.  The Constitution delegates control of immigration and naturalization to the federal government.  Congress has enacted laws governing immigration.  Yet, while the Biden Administration flaunted, ignored, and blatantly violated Title 8 of the U.S. Code, the judges did nothing.

In other words, the judiciary overlooked Biden’s failures to enforce the law of the land, but now constantly intrudes on Trump’s efforts to “take care that the laws are faithfully executed,” as the Constitution commands every President to do.  The blatant lawfare and forum shopping has turned officials who are supposed to be impartial judges into partisans, who have abandoned their oath to uphold the Constitution.  This must not be tolerated.

Perhaps, as applied to the judges, the admonition to “Judge not” should be amended to “Judge what you were hired to judge, and no more.”

The late, great radio talk show host Bob Grant used to observe, “It’s sick out there and getting sicker.”  That was more than 12 years ago.  Things “out there” have not improved since then,  If anything, the folks “out there” have gotten even sicker than they were before.  And there is no group “out there” that is any further “out there” than the denizens of the Democrat Party.

In the wake of their devastating loss in the 2024 presidential election, there’s been lots of coverage of the Party’s post mortem “soul searching,” and claims that it’s reviewing its policies to ferret out why so many voters have turned against them.  But that’s just empty talk, because the truth is they’ve learned nothing.  You can’t accomplish soul searching unless you have a soul.  They don’t.

We are being subjected almost daily to reports of Democrat retreats, where they undergo hours or days of reflection to pinpoint why their brand is about as popular as genital warts.  They haven’t come up with the answer, although the answer is obvious.  The inmates are running their asylum, and until they can wrestle the power back from them, get them sedated, and return to reality, things for the Democrats will not get any better.

What I mean by this is that, by ceding control to the Leftist fringe, they have abandoned the issues and the voting groups that were reliable Democrat voters for decades.  Working class voters, Black and Hispanic voters, and young voters didn’t leave the Democrat Party.  The Democrat Party left them.  All their problems are self-inflicted.

The Party is spending time and money wondering what went wrong, but they know the answer, or at least, they knew it in 2020.  If you want to get elected, you have to convince the majority of voters that that you’re relatively normal.  You have to at least pretend to have moderate policies.  They sold Biden as a moderate.  Then they used the empty shell that was Biden to pursue policies that are inimical to the majority of the population.

Simply put, the Democrats have done everything they possibly could have done to alienate the greatest number of voters.  Not too long ago, even Democrats understood that running up trillions of dollars of debt, opening our borders to untold millions of illegal alien invaders, preventing the police from enforcing the law, and hiring prosecutors who refuse to prosecute criminals, were ruinous policies that would destroy our country.

They lost their way.  They forgot that their bread and butter supporters aren’t the sad socialist or anarchist cat ladies with purple hair, who have nothing better to do than march and chant idiotically in support of the rights of male athletes to injure female athletes while making a mockery of Title IX.

After the 1968 presidential election, Richard Scammon and Ben Wattenberg published a book entitled The Real Majority.  In it, they identified the center of the electorate, the real majority, as moderates who were more liberal on economic issues, such as protecting social security, and more conservative on social issues, such as controlling crime.  Their description of “the average voter” was the 52 year old wife of a blue-collar worker in the Midwest.  Their message – if you win those voters, you win the election.  That was true in 1970, and it’s true now.

Democrats once understood this.  Bill Clinton won Ohio and in 1996, he also won Florida.  Il Duce Obama, The Great Pretender, who posed as a moderate (remember, he started out against gay marriage, before he “evolved”), won Ohio twice and Florida once.  Ohio, once a swing State, recently has swung steadily toward Republicans, and Florida is decidedly Red.  At the same time, Democrats have swung Left, away from their traditional base, and increasingly away from reality and normalcy.  This is a recipe for disaster.

Democrats have been mindlessly following this recipe for 10 years for only one reason.  Donald John Trump.  The Democrats are Ahab, and Trump is the White Whale they’ve been pursuing for a decade.  To get Trump, they have set every trap, broken every law, abandoned any pretense of fair dealing, and in so doing have distracted themselves while their base has steadily trickled away.

Democrat hatred of Trump has been Ahab-like.  Ahab said, “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee; for hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.”  “I would chase him around the globe.  If it took me to the last corner of the earth, I would find him.” “I will set my sails towards revenge, and nothing will stop me.”  Sound familiar?  Democrats say, “Trump is an existential threat to democracy, a fascist, a Hitler, a Mussolini who must be stopped.”

Every Trump policy is compared to those of Nazis.  Corrupt Demented Imbecile Joe Biden said it’s “time to put Trump in a bullseye.”  NY Democratic Rep. Dan Goldman told MSNBC, “It is just unquestionable at this point that man cannot see public office again.  He is not only unfit, he is destructive to our democracy, and he has to be eliminated.”  Talk like this led to two assassination attempts, in which Trump was shot, a man was killed and two others severely wounded.  Democrats learned nothing.

If they are unable to shake their obsession with Trump Derangement Syndrome, they inevitably will go the way of Ahab.  Snared in their own ropes, bound to their Great White prey, as he takes them under for the third time.  In his first term, Trump was his own worst enemy, making statements and personnel decisions that hamstrung him.  He learned from his mistakes.

It may have taken Trump’s appointment of most of the staff of Fox News to his second Administration, but he’s finally found effective and loyal subordinates.  And he’s figured out that all he needs to do is to come out in favor of an issue, any issue, and Democrats will trip over themselves to oppose it.

Trump secured the border, and is relentlessly deporting criminal aliens.  Democrats are urging the courts to keep alien criminals in our country and on our streets.  That’s not popular.

Trump sent federal law enforcement into D.C., causing crime to plummet, and D.C. residents to praise his actions.  Democrats are against enforcing the law, taking criminals and guns off the streets, and protecting innocent lives.  Not too smart.

A Trans maniac in Minnesota gets his/her hands on guns and shoots children in a church, and Democrats immediately announce it’s Trump’s fault, for not taking legal guns away from law abiding citizens.  No thinking person buys that crap, especially since Democrats have no desire to take illegal guns away from teenage gangsters.

There are myriad other examples of Democrat stupidity, but here’s the point.  Until and unless Democrats accept the fact that Trump beat them, and that they’ll have to cooperate with him until 2029, they will just keep losing ground.  Unfortunately for them, since they’ve let the loony Leftist toothpaste out of the tube, it’s going to be hard to put it back in and return to normal values.  Moving to the middle is bound to alienate their 20% nutty Leftist base.  Let’s hope it takes them, about 12 years to figure it out.

The title of this week’s offering comes from Julius Caesar’s Chronicles.  After the 47 B.C. battle of Zela, Caesar famously proclaimed “Veni, vidi, vici,” “I came, I saw, I conquered.”  I was reminded of this quotation when President Trump federalized the D.C. National Guard and deployed federal law enforcement officers to the District of Colombia to combat out-of-control street crime.

Much like Caesar, Trump came to D.C., he saw the rampant street crime and the proliferation of homeless encampments on the streets of the the Capitol of the most prosperous nation on the face of the Earth, and was appalled by the sight.  Trump was unwilling to stand idly by while the nation’s Capitol descended into chaos and squalor, so he decided that it was necessary for the federal government to conquer the city’s crime problem, which is exacerbated by a toothless police department and inept prosecution authorities.

Surprising no one, Democrats are incensed.  They are absolutely shocked, shocked, that the President has dared to intervene in the affairs of the capitol federal district.  Their indignation, of course, ignores the fact that a president has, not only the right, but the duty to see that the laws are enforced everywhere, including in the District of Columbia.  Here’s how that works.

Article I, section 8 (17) of the Constitution provides for the creation of a capitol federal district, to be the Seat of the Government, and to be formed by cessions of the various States.  D.C.  was formed from lands once part of Maryland and Virginia, and consists of 61 square miles of land and 7 square miles of water.  The Congress has control over the District and over all federal properties in the various States.

The President is Commander in Chief of the armed forces, and of all State militias (National Guards) when they are called into the service of the federal government.  Though it’s not a State, D.C. has a National Guard, but one would be hard pressed to argue that the constitutional provision giving the President control of State militias doesn’t apply equally to the D.C. National Guard.  Indeed, because D.C. is uniquely under the control of federal authorities, a better argument would be that the President may call the D.C. Guard to federal service on his own authority as Commander in Chief.

Now, in 1973, Congress passed the D.C. Home Rule Act, which ceded some legislative and administrative powers to the District.  D.C. got a Mayor and Council, but not full autonomy.  Congress reviews all Acts of the City Council, and it may vote to rescind D.C. laws by a simple majority.  In other words, there can be no Senate filibuster.  Congress last did that when the D.C. Council voted to repeal mandatory minimum sentences for violent crimes, and to downgrade crimes such as carjacking.

Carping Democrats have claimed that Trump’s actions were unwarranted, citing statistics that suggest that crime in D.C. is down.  As I recently noted, there are lies, damned lies, and statistics.  That observation applies here.  The Democrats citing these statistics know full well that a D.C. police official recently was dismissed for tampering with the stats to make it appear crime was under control.  In fact, the murder rate in D.C. is twice that in Bogota, Colombia, three times the rate in Mexico City, and 30 times the rate in London.

How does that compare to neighboring States?  Well, at 27.4 murders per 100,000 residents, the D.C. murder rate is triple that in Maryland (been to Baltimore lately?), and 4.5 times higher than the rate in Virginia.  The only logical conclusions to be drawn from these stark numbers is that crime in D.C. was out of control, that the local authorities either couldn’t or wouldn’t do their jobs, and that somebody needed to step in to keep the peace.  Enter Donald John Trump.  Paraphrasing Dean Vernon Wormer from Animal House, I can almost hear him saying, “The time has come for someone to put his foot down, like no foot has ever put down before, and that foot is me.”

The President was egged on in this fight by newly confirmed D.C. U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro,  who almost nightly, has taken to the airwaves to decry D.C.’s lax criminal laws, especially as they apply to juvenile offenders, who are responsible for a good portion of the crime, yet are rarely prosecuted, due to anemic laws, and a local prosecutor who is on record as saying, “You can’t arrest and convict your way to lower crime.”  If that sounds stupid to you, it’s only because it is stupid.  The paramount goal of criminal law enforcement is deterrence.  When crime has no consequences, the crime rate has nowhere to go but up.

The juvenile crime problem is especially acute in D.C., because local laws prevent most juveniles from being tried as adults.  This is insane, given that most carjackers are juveniles, and carjacking is considered (everywhere outside D.C.) as the most serious violent crime other than homicide and sexual assault.  To have such lax laws in D.C., which was carved out of Maryland and Virginia is nothing short of ridiculous, not to mention reckless.

Picture this.  A 17 year old carjacker jacks a car on Central Avenue SE in D.C.  He is treated with kid gloves, and if prosecuted at all, gets a slap on the wrist.  About 100 feet across Central Avenue, and into Capitol Heights, in Bluer than Blue Maryland, the same crime exposes the little bastard to a 30 year prison sentence.  The message to the juvenile offenders, and to the people who employ them is very simple, “Do your carjacking in D.C.”  And the message was received, because from 2018 to 2023, carjackings in D.C. went up by 547%.

How is the Trump effort going?  Since August 8th, nearly 500 arrests have been made, and more than 70 homeless encampments have been cleaned out.  The denizens of the encampments were given two choices.  Go to a shelter and get treatment, or go to jail.  Since Trump intervened, carjackings are down 46%, and robberies and all other violent crimes are down 22%.  Pretty good, but they still hate that it was Trump who did it.

As far as long term solutions go, that is a different picture.  Congress can get off its ass, and repeal the lax D.C. laws.  They can do that with 50 votes in the Senate.  Failing that, the D.C. Home Rule Act may need to be amended to curb the suicidal instincts of the D.C. Council.  A more radical fix could be to do away with the District entirely, and return what is now D.C. to Maryland and Virginia.  The Constitution doesn’t require a federal district to be created, it says “Congress may” create it.  And there’s precedent for that.  In 1846, the City of Alexandria, then part of D.C., was formally ceded back to Virginia.

Under this plan, the federal government would still retain control over all the federal buildings in the former D.C., just as it does over any federal property in any of the States.  The interesting question would be what would become of the 23rd Amendment to the Constitution, which gives D.C. three electoral votes in presidential elections.  The Amendment likely would be null and void.  Maryland and Virginia might each gain one House seat.

The flap over the federal takeover of D.C. law enforcement is just one more example of Democrats who continually jump on the wrong side of every issue.  Trump is trying to promote public safety and clean up the filthy and dangerous Hellhole that is the District of Columbia.  The United States can’t exercise its influence as the leader of the free world if it can’t clean up and control violent crime in the seat of its own government.  No reasonable, thinking American would oppose that position.  Democrats, however, are unreasonable, and they’re still not thinking past the policy of, “Whatever Trump’s for, we’re against it.”

At a time when most of the world is in an uproar, what with wars, and threats of war, economic uncertainty, and a polarized electorate, I thought – Screw it!  It’s the August silly season, so why not concentrate this week on a lighter subject?   Strangely enough, the lighter subject turns out to be the passing of a man that I’m sure not many of you have ever heard of – Tom Lehrer.

Thomas Andrew Lehrer was an American musician, mathematician, satirist, songwriter/singer.  Born in New York City in 1928, he died in July at age 97.  He was perhaps best known as the resident songwriter on the 1960’s TV show, That Was The Week That Was.  He was a prolific songwriter, crafting tunes and parodies based on familiar melodies.  And, a man after my own heart, Tom Lehrer had a satiric and acerbic wit that spared no one.  No politician, religion, or interest group could escape his barbs, no matter how powerful.  He truly was an equal opportunity offender.

Lehrer paid a price for his honesty.  Most of his songs were so controversial (remember we’re talking about the 1950’s and 1960’s, not the “anything goes” insane asylum in which we dwell), that no radio station would play them.  Tom Lehrer didn’t care.  He was more interested in turning a phrase than in turning a profit.  Lehrer said, jokingly, of his musical career, “If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while.”

Despite that, his albums and his live performances all over the world turned him into a cult figure.  He was influential.  Composer Randy Newman said of Lehrer, “He’s one of the great American songwriters without a doubt, right up there with everybody, the top guys.  Other artists who cite Lehrer as an influence include “Weird Al” Yankovic, Donald Fagen of Steely Dan, and political satirist Mark Russell.  And you an add me to that list.  Every time I compose a tune or a rhyme on these pages, Tom Lehrer is sitting at my side.

Tom Lehrer was perhaps the prototypical American.  Reminiscent  of Fiorello LaGuardia, whose mother was Jewish, his father an Italian Catholic, and he himself Protestant, Lehrer and his family were ethnically Jewish but loosely practiced Christianity, attending Sunday school and celebrating Christmas.  He joked that his ties to Judaism were “more to do with the delicatessen than the synagogue, and ‘God’ was primarily an expletive.”

A child prodigy, Lehrer attended the Horace Mann School in the Bronx.  A piano teacher taught him Broadway show tunes.  He also attended Camp Androscoggin, both as a camper and a counselor, where Lehrer was a counselor to Stephen Sondheim.

Lehrer skipped two grades in school, and entered Harvard College
at age 15.  He graduated from Harvard with a Bachelor of Arts in mathematics, magna cum laude in 1946, and received his MA degree the next year.  Until 2001, he taught mathematics and other classes at MIT, Harvard, Wellesley, and the University of California, Santa Cruz.  He taught an introductory mathematics course titled “The Nature of Mathematics” to liberal arts majors, which he labelled,”Math for Tenors.”  Through it all, he is best remembered for his songs.

Tom Lehrer composed dozens of them.   This one is perhaps his most famous – THE ELEMENTS

There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.
There’s yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.
There’s holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium.
And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.
There’s sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium,
And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium,
And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.
These are the only ones o_f which the news has come to Ha’vard,
And there may be many others but they haven’t been discavard.

Here are some snippets of other favorites.

NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK

Oh, the white folks hate the black folks,
And the black folks hate the white folks.
To hate all but the right folks
Is an old established rule.
But during National Brotherhood Week,
National Brotherhood Week,
Lena Home and Sheriff Clarke are dancing cheek to cheek.
It’s fun to eulogize ·
The people you despise,
As long as you don’t let ’em in your school

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics,
And the Catholics hate the Protestants,
And the Hindus hate the Moslems,
And everybody hates the Jews.
But during National Brotherhood Week,
National Brotherhood Week,
It’s National Everyone-smile-at-one-another-hood Week.
Be nice to people who
Are inferior to you.
It’s only for a week, so have no fear.
Be grateful that it doesn’t last all year!

THE VATICAN RAG

First you get down on your knees
Fiddle with your rosaries
Bow your head with great respect
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Do whatever steps you want if
You have cleared them with the pontiff
Everybody say his own
Kyrie eleison
Doin’ the Vatican Rag.

Get in line in that processional
Step into that small confessional
There the guy who’s got religion’ll
Tell you if your sin’s original.
If it is, try playin’ it safer
Drink the wine and chew the wafer
Two, four, six, eight
Time to transubstantiate.

WHO’S NEXT?

First we got the bomb and that was good,
‘Cause we love peace and motherhood.
Then Russia got the bomb, but that’s O.K.,
‘Cause the balance of power’s maintained that way!
Who’s next?
France got the bomb, but don’t you grieve,
‘Cause they’re on our side (I believe).
China got the bomb, but have no fears;
They can’t wipe us out for at least five years!
Who’s next?
Japan will have it own device,
Transistorized at half the price.(*)
South Africa wants two, that’s right:
One for the black and one for the white!
Who’s next?
Egypt’s gonna get one, too,
Just to use on you know who.
So Israel’s getting tense,
Wants one in self defense.
“The Lord’s our shepherd,” says the psalm,
But just in case — we better get a bomb!
Who’s next?

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Relations, sparing no expense, ‘II
Send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen and pencil.
(“Just the thing I need! How nice!”)
It doesn’t matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heartfelt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it.
What’s important is the price.
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest you merry, merchants,
May you make the Yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy!

SEND THE MARINES

When someone makes a move
Of which we don’t approve,
Who is it that always intervenes?
U.N. and O.A.S.,
They have their place, I guess,
But first-
Send the Marines!
We’ll send them all we’ve got,                                                                   John Wayne and Randolph Scott;
Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
To the shores of Tripoli,
But not to Mississippoli,
What do we do?
We send the Marines!

I think you get the picture.  If you like Lehrer’s work,  see  tomlehrersongs.com.  In any case, Rest In Peace Tom Lehrer.  Your like will not be seen again.